I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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