Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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