he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
