Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize