Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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