totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We have so much sex to catch up on
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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