I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Drunk is not a location!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
