Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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