wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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