you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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