Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Let's get the cat blown out
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
