how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have already put on my inside pants.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
