she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
