I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am puke
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he shaved USA in his pubs
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
