So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
