Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
