It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
