This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
