I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
