Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
