Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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