The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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