No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
