i think i have two assholes
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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