The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
