I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
