Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
