As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
