The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
