He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
