Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
