Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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