Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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