so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
