I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
