apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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