i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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