I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need to sanitize my soul.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
