You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
