god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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