I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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