My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
