she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
