where does the pee come out of this thing
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
there is glitter all over my balls
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
