Please, let me fuck your mom
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
