I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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