Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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