I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I FOUND THE LEGS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
