After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
