She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
