I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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