That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
