Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
