Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just blew my weed a kiss
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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