i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
