1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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