Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
