How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
