Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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