if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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